CAN I GIVE YOU SOME FEEDBACK?

Courageous and compassionate leaders create a supportive work environment where feedback of all kinds is openly shared and welcomed.

When we hear the words, “Can I give you some feedback?”, do you cringe and want to run for the hills? Some of us avoid initiating a feedback conversation because it makes us uncomfortable. Here’s a story to illustrate the power of giving and receiving engaged feeedback.

“Dale” (not his real name) was one of the best managers I ever had. He was constantly growing his people. He gave feedback often, either recognizing us for a job well done, or nudging us in a different direction. He was straightforward, to the point, and always conveyed that he believed in us and knew we could do more. I grew professionally because of Dale. He also asked for feedback all the time and was curious about our point of view. Dale lived up to Dare to Lead author Brené Brown’s definition of a leader: “Anyone who takes responsibility for finding the potential in people and processes, and who has the courage to develop that potential.”

When we hear the words, “Can I share some feedback?”, many of us cringe and want to run for the hills. There are plenty of reasons. First, our human brain tends to skew towards the negative. “Uh-oh,” we think. “This is going to be bad news!” Second, feedback conversations sometimes feel uncomfortable and tough, we avoid them until a crisis happens, and then things get super difficult. Sometimes, we lack the skills to give or to receive feedback. It can feel so much easier to say, “Well, that’ll probably pass. Let’s not bother giving that feedback today.” We choose comfort over courage.

How can we make giving and receiving feedback easier? Here are a few pointers.

• Provide Balanced feedback.
  We often associate the word “feedback” with “something’s wrong” or “you’ve done something bad’. American psychologist and relationship expert Dr. John Gottman recommends a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions for a healthy relationship. In other words, for every negative interaction we have, we should have at least 5 positive interactions. A positive interaction can be as simple as showing appreciation for a job well done or catching someone doing something right. If all our feedback is constructive, we risk raising defensiveness, and stonewalling, creating disconnection.
  Key Question: Are you acknowledging your colleagues for what they’re doing well? Are you catching others when they do something right?
  

• Choose the right time and the right place.
  Dale had a saying: “Praise in public, criticize in private.” Always ask the person if it’s a good time for the feedback conversation, tell them how much time you think it’ll take (at least 15 minutes, otherwise it’s a hit and run), and respect their response. If someone approaches you and asks if it’s a good time, be honest. It is crucial that both of you are in a physical, mental, and emotional space and time where you can make it a rich, productive, exploratory dialogue.
  Key Question: Are you choosing the right time and the right place for your feedback conversations? Are you respectfully saying,“No” if it truly isn’t the right time or place, and scheduling an alternate time?
  

• Be intentional in how you “hold” it.
  American author, therapist and teacher Arnold Mindell once said: “You can give someone a tool, but it’s useless if the person holds the tool the wrong way.” Imagine having a hammer and holding it upside down - or turning it to the “remove” side - when you want to put a nail into a wall. Not very effective, right? In the case of giving and receiving feedback, this means that I could use a feedback formula (and there are many), but it’s useless unless I “hold” the tool and the conversation (conceptually and energetically) with the right intention.
  
  For instance, if I go into a conversation with genuine curiosity, this establishes a mood where I am open to a variety of explanations or points of view. Other ways of “holding” include generosity (assuming people are doing the best they can with the resources they have), empathy, accountability, and curiosity. Each of these create an atmosphere that makes it easier - and even pleasant - to give and receive feedback.
  Key Question: What mindset or stance do you want to be in the next time you give or receive feedback?
  

• Focus on the facts, don’t interpret, and don’t judge.
  Dale was always crystal clear about what behavior he observed, and its impact. As part of change management efforts, I asked all the functional groups to do some process mapping. One functional group didn’t deliver, no matter how many times I met with them and reminded them of their accountability. I was getting frustrated with them. I was like a dog with a bone. Then, in our weekly check-in, Dale reminded me that the people in that function were swamped and severely under-resourced. He said that they were not going to be able to do process mapping, no matter how much I begged or harangued them.
  
  He shared the impact on him: as my manager, he was feeling frustrated that I was not backing off when needed. He was concerned that If I continued to be so demanding, my working relationship with that function would suffer, and then our results would suffer. Dale made a clear request and asked me to lower my expectations about what they could do. As a result, instead of continuing to express frustration about what they couldn’t do, I focused instead on asking what was possible for them given their circumstances. I granted them - and myself- some grace.
  
  If Dale had said,“Hey, Mo, back off those folks, stop being so dang pushy!”, I might have felt judged and/or defensive, and I wouldn’t have adjusted. Instead, he provided context, focused on the facts (he was specific about what I said or did, with whom), and he described the impact on him and the possible consequences if I continued to do that. I couldn’t argue with the facts. The additional context opened my eyes and helped me develop empathy. The impact on him and on the team was undeniable, and it woke me up to what was more important than a work deliverable: our relationship.
  Key Question: When you provide feedback, are you focusing on observable facts and the impact on you?
  

• Get curious.
  Did you know that the human brain can’t experience fear and curiosity at the same time? Get curious. What’ s behind what the person is saying? What’s important to them? How are they doing during this conversation? What are you noticing in yourself and in the other person as you’re having the conversation? Name what you’re thinking, feeling, and observing. Use the phrases, “I’m noticing”, “What else?” and, “Tell me more.”

• Don’t take it personally.
  Experts say, “Make it about the problem, not the person.” Even when we try to depersonalize it, when we receive feedback, we tend to make it about our worth as a human being instead of our behavior and its impact. Tara Mohr, author of Playing Big, recommends reading online reviews of your favorite author. Notice how it’s across the spectrum; some people love that author’s work, others might hate it. Tara has a few other tips:

  • Notice your tendency to make feedback about your worth. Remind yourself, “It’s not about my worth, it’s about something I did.”

  • When you provide feedback, make it about what the other person did, not about their value or their worth as a human being.

  • Remember that feedback provides important clues about what is important to the feedback provider, not about the recipient’s worth. When we share the impact someone’s behavior has had on us, what we’re really talking about is our values. Sometimes our values differ. For example, completing things early (reliability and timeliness) might be important to me, and quality (making a deliverable really shine and be perfect) might be important to you. Neither value is right or wrong; they are simply different. It creates tension when I expect things from you at a certain time and you don’t deliver at that time.

  • There may be a grain of truth in what others say. What is that truth?

  • Does that information help or hinder you achieving your purpose and your goals?

  • How important is your relationship? Does that person’s opinion really matter in the grand scheme of things?
    
    Key Question: How can you not make feedback - positive or constructive - about your worth as a person? What is the grain of truth in the feedback that can help you achieve your goals?
    

• End with a commitment.
  Ideally, when you finish a feedback conversation, both parties are clear on what will happen next. Make sure you are clear about what you commit to moving forward. At the end of our feedback conversation, Dale promised to continue giving me context and feedback, and I committed to be more aware and sensitive to of my colleagues’ circumstances and to adjust my expectations.

I have such fond memories of working with Dale. I could feel that he genuinely cared for my success. He was clear, timely, kind, specific, curious, and action-oriented. I left our conversations feeling motivated and inspired to change. I’d work with him again in a heartbeat.

So, what will you do differently the next time you’re giving or receiving feedback?

REFERENCES

Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts. Brené Brown, 2018.

Playing Big: Find Your Voice, Your Vision, Your Message, Tara Mohr, 2014.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John M. Gottman and Nan Silver, 1999.

Leader as Martial Artist, Arnold Mindell, 1992.

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