MY JOURNEY INTO RESILIENCE
Let me put it plainly: I used to be a perfectionist. I got straight A’s in school. I used to LOVE certainty. I used to LOVE having everything planned out before tackling a project. So one of my big edges as a leader and as a consultant is to take risks – to try something out without it being completely baked. And to learn and adjust as things emerge. A coach once playfully called this “getting comfortable with my messy butt.” Quite the analogy!
One thing I’ve learned about taking risks is that you’re bound to fall down sometimes. The greater the risk, sometimes the more painful the fall.
This is a story about exactly that: in Brené Brown’s words, falling face down in the arena, being smeared with sweat and blood, dusting myself off, and standing up again. It’s also about realizing that feeling shame is a very human experience. It’s about accepting that I cannot avoid it - it will happen many times through my life. And that the only way out is through.
So here’s the deal. I am passionate about women’s leadership. I offer “Rising Tide”, a program to help women leaders claim their authentic voice and step fully into their power, helping one another grow in community. When the program was a speck of an idea, my friends and colleagues saw my passion and challenged me to offer the program to the world before it was fully baked. “Prototype and learn”, they said. So I started looking for an organization that would be willing to sponsor and host Rising Tide. The plan was that I’d get to prototype my program, and they would show their commitment to the women professional community by opening the program to all professional women who were interested - inside their company, and out.
Portland is a small community and people are generous. As a result, networking is easy and fun to do. After networking and looking for a good match, I was thrilled when a kind soul in a local company offered their office space for me to bring my prototype into being. I was so excited!! Here it was, finally: a chance for all of us to help one another rise together.
We planned things out and started putting logistics in place. I began to develop the modules. I got more excited by the minute. I developed a promotional flyer. Then, all of a sudden, we ran into a snag. My point of contact didn’t like the wording of my promotional materials. After she offered to edit my document, she finally told me that my language didn’t resonate with their company’s values and that they didn’t want to work with me. I asked what I could adjust, and she said it was too late. Essentially, they were breaking up with me. Ouch!
After hanging up the phone, I went into a bona fide shame spiral, a dark, seemingly endless abyss. I began to sob uncontrollably. My face turned red and felt hot. My heart was racing a mile a minute. My inner critics started having a party: “You have no idea what women leaders in this city need!” “You’re clueless!” “You’re insensitive!” “You’re worthless!” Another voice spoke up, with a snarly tone: “In a few days, everyone in town will know what a bad person you are, and no one will want to attend your programs, let alone sponsor them.” This was followed by a scolding voice: “Aw, c’mon, you’re a big girl! This isn’t such a big deal. Get over yourself!”
I sat on the ground, surrounded by a carpet of snotty tissues, my red eyes all puffy, trying to catch my breath. I suddenly remembered something I had learned in a Brené Brown workshop. Shame happens. To everyone. As humans, we are designed for and we long for connection. Shame makes us feel disconnected.
I then remembered Brené saying that when you are face down in the arena, deep in your eyeballs in shame, three things are very important: not getting hooked by your inner critics, connecting to empathy, and showing yourself self-compassion.
Up until now, when I’d feel shame, I’d withdraw into a shell of self-pity. That was comforting, but only to a point. It was not the ideal strategy because I stayed isolated and this increased my sense of disconnection from others. This time, I decided to try out Brené’s approach. I looked for someone to help me through my shame moment. I phoned my husband; he was in a meeting. Then, I dialed a dear friend with a big heart. She picked up. I proceeded to ball my eyes out and pour out my fears and concerns. She may not have understood everything I said, since I was sobbing through my diatribe. I finally hit rock bottom and heard myself say: “I’m a BAD person!”
Thankfully, my friend didn’t try to fix me or solve the problem. She simply listened. When she helped me recognize that most of what I was saying was from my inner critics, I started to relax. After loads of crying, my body calmed down. I thanked my friend for her kindness and hung up. I could still feel the anger and fear reverberating in my body, and there was still a big weight on my heart. But at least I didn’t feel alone. I had processed things with someone who held space for me and showed real empathy.
By the end of the day, I felt very tired. I then remembered to practice self-compassion. Dr. Kristen Neff, a respected colleague of Brené’s, recommends the following for self-compassion:
Speak to yourself as you would to a loved one
Recognize that your experience is human and that you are not alone
Practice mindfulness – be with the feelings, thoughts and sensations in the moment
I practiced being gentle with myself, sent myself some love, and gave myself permission to “feel the feels”. I won’t say it was comfortable or easy, since I usually bottle up negative feelings. But I noticed that it helped to simply notice the sensations, feelings and thoughts as they came up. I went to bed exhausted.
I wish I could say “ta-da!” and that everything was rainbows and butterflies the next day. It took me about a week – okay, a month - to process the experience. The good news is, I survived. After careful reflection to see my part in it, I came away wiser, knowing I needed to change my program’s promotional language for it to resonate with a broad audience.
This is a story about what it is like to be human. To be human is to fall down and get up again. I’ve learned how important it is to ask for help, lean on others and not isolate myself. I need to treat myself as I would a loved one. I need to acknowledge my humanity, messy butt included! I need to fully feel the shame storm and trust that “this too shall pass”. Most importantly, I now accept that falling is part of life, and I trust that I know how to stand up again.
Learn more about Brené Brown’s research around shame and vulnerability and learn how to develop and practice empathy, self-compassion and resilience at our upcoming Dare to Lead Experience workshop on January 28-30, 2020. Register at Eventbrite.