WHEN THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH

It’s a quiet morning and I’m looking out the sliding glass door of my office watching the wind blow the snow off the trees. Chamomile, my furry, feline companion, is shifting between rolling around my desk demanding attention and meowing at me from the door (I think she’s hungry). Ordinarily, I would say this is one of those perfect moments, where I don’t have a care in the world.

Ordinarily.

The spread of the COVID-19 (coronavirus) is having a dramatic impact every aspect of our lives. People are dying. Socio-economic hardships are happening. Basic freedoms are being restricted. We’re a stone’s throw from a recession. These events can’t help but activate our survival instinct. Food flies off the shelves. Cleaning supplies are in short supply. I stopped in at Trader Joe’s this past weekend and I thought I walked into the zombie apocalypse. According to the checkout person, the shelves were fully stocked when they opened, then poof! Gone!

The fear is palpable. After all, this is the deadliest pandemic we’ve experienced, at least in my lifetime, and we probably haven’t seen the worst of it yet. Testing is severely lagging. Patterns of spread are just emerging. Public health officials say it will take a year to 18 months to fully validate any potential vaccine. There is so much we still don’t know and that’s the problem. As renowned author and researcher Brené Brown says, “in the absence of data, we make up stories.” The story of these times, it seems, leads to one conclusion - we’re screwed. So we’d better stock up, hunker down, and dig in for the long haul.

But what if that story is only partially true? What if it’s simply - as Brené says - our “Shitty First Draft (SFD)” - the story we create when we’re seized up by fear? This is the story that’s meant to keep us out of danger, whether that’s running from a saber tooth tiger or hoarding food so we don’t starve (no, we haven’t Jurassic Park’d any saber tooth tigers - lately 🐅). Our SFD is our knee-jerk reaction to fear, caused by some perceived danger, in this case being exposed to, and suffering from, coronavirus. It gives us just enough information to act on, to get us out of danger. And it goes like this:

1. There’s a new virus in the world.

2. That virus is spreading, and fast.

3. People are getting sick and dying.

4. I’m a person, so I could get sick and die!

5. There doesn’t seem to be a cure or a vaccine.

6. I better hunker down until this thing runs it’s course.

7. I’ll need supplies, like toilet paper. Lots and lots of toilet paper. And ice cream.

Strange as it may seem, I’m actually thankful for my SFD’s and the part of my brain (the limbic system, in case you’re curious) that automatically and instantaneously writes it. It’s saved my bacon a few times during my life, especially in college. But my Shitty First Draft is just that - a draft. There’s a whole world of wisdom that I don’t have access to when I’m seized up by fear. Wisdom that reminds me that I’m not alone, that I can depend on my friends, family and community. Wisdom that reminds me that I’m healthy and that my chances of dying are fairly low. Wisdom that calls me into my power, courage, and creativity so I can lead and live wholeheartedly through these scary times.

When I pause and breathe, reckon with my fear, and re-connect to that part of me where the wisdom lives, I can start writing a different story - with a different ending. Brené calls this “The Rising Strong Process” from her NYT Bestsellers Dare To Lead and Rising Strong. First, I Reckon with my fear and all the emotions that come with it, then notice the Delta between my SFD and what’s really happening (“The Rumble”). Finally, I write a Brave New Ending for my story (“The Revolution”). Here’s how that story goes:

1. There’s a new virus in the world, spreading fast.

2. People are getting sick and dying - I could get sick and die too.

3. I feel scared and helpless to stop it. (Pause, breathe.)

4. I’m still breathing, I’m still here. Now what?

5. I will take precautions that minimize my risk; I will limit my exposure and stay healthy.

6. I will weather whatever happens, and I will have the energy and resources left over to help others in need.

7. I will stay in connection with my family, friends, co-workers and community because we’re better facing this together.

Throughout this new story, I never stop being afraid. In fact, I’m often afraid and brave at the same time. The difference between this story and my SFD is that I get to write a different ending, one that ends in connection, collaboration, and community, not the isolation of my SFD. I allow myself to experience my fear, reckon with it, and get curious about it. Now, a whole world of wisdom opens up to me, one filled with choice.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating that we ignore social distancing guidelines or downplay the danger simply by making ourselves feel better. If things actually do get worse before they get better, there are likely to be knock-on effects that will stoke even more fear. Among them are civil liberties concerns, economic hardship, and the psychological effects of prolonged isolation. I wish it was as easy as “suck it up”. It’s not.

What I’m pointing to is a way to build resilience, a practice of getting up after we fall. Not by ignoring our fear, but by allowing ourselves to experience it fully, connect with our inner leader wisdom, write our brave new ending, then live it. Our fear informs our story, but we refuse to let it run us. This is why Brené calls this part of the Rising Strong Process “The Revolution” - refusing to live our lives in fear and creating the world we want to live in is a radical, revolutionary act.

Here’s the practice, in summary:

• Reckon With The Fear - Simply notice the fear, then let yourself experience it fully, without judgment.

• Pause, Breathe - Practice Box Breathing, sit quietly for a few minutes, and/or take a walk.

• Rumble With Your SFD - What’s the Shitty First Draft (SFD) your fear is writing for you? Is it true? Is it really true? What if it isn’t true?

• Write Your Brave New Ending - What’s the story line that helps you live and lead bravely and wholeheartedly?

• Live It - Act with full permission, own your impact, and dance with whatever happens.

Even in times like these, we get to create the world we want to live in. We may not always have control over our circumstances, however we have the power to choose how we respond. We can choose to be the author of our life, not the victim of our fear or circumstances. To live and lead bravely and wholeheartedly is to learn to acknowledge and be with our fears and move forward anyway. It’s a radically vulnerable, and radically courageous. It’s the heart of daring leadership.